Five Reality TV Shows I Will Not be Watching

Greetings, long lost people.

I've been bedridden (mostly) for the past few days, so there hasn't been much to do other than watch movies, TV series, etc and contemplate how I could feasibly remove my own kidney. My Mister Honeybee has graciously offered me the use of his Netflix account, and I've been delighting in the BBC program 'The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret." But now, on day three of the long stretch of hell that is my right kidney, I've entered a dark place.

That's right, reality TV.

Now, as anyone else who was growing up in the nineties, I was aware of Reality TV at its inception, MTV's Real World and Road Rules (back when MTV had the occasional musical programming). I remember digging a couple of seasons, but it wasn't long until Reality TV just fucking EXPLODED. Big Brother and Survivor were basically just regurgitated versions of Road Rules and Real World, with higher stakes (in both cases, people being eliminated or kicked off of the show, ultimately leaving a winner), but then came American Idol, the Bachelor/Bachelorette, the various RichWhiteGirlProblems shows, so on and so forth and blargh. It's gotten out of control.

Admittedly, there are some Reality Shows that are kind of awesome. I love Gordon Ramsey and I'm going to make babies with him and we will ride a stallion off into the sunsethe is incredibly talented and interesting to watch. DO ME, GORDON. Also can you teach me how to make delicious things to eat without setting my kitchen on fire? I'm a big fan of The Colo

ny (which you should watch, if you haven't) and, without a bit of shame, I LOVE Rupaul's Drag Race, purely because drag queens are like, awesome, duh. Drag queens are the only reason that I know how to walk in heels.

But in perusing Netflix's selection of streaming reality TV, I don't even know what these shows are about. Since I'm far too lazy to give them a chance, I'm left with my own hypotheses and imagination.

Title: Sons of Guns

Cover Picture: Like five burly looking dudes, most angry and one suspiciously grinning about something, and the resident hot girl (clearly not anyone's son)

This Must Be About: When you call someone a 'son of a gun,' you're telling them that they're being a prick (or, in resident hot girl's case, a cunt-wad). So, these six assholes have made a show about being assholes. I assume they shoot people, further contributing to the assholery. Resident Hot Girl is probably banging at least one of these guys, but no one is ever as attractive as they look on the cover.

Title: BBQ Pitmaster

Cover Picture: Some d-bag is blowing fairy dust in my face! Is that a prison uniform?

What It Must Be About: This man was recently incarcerated for barbecuing pitbulls. He is also a wizard of some kind.

Title: Whale Wars

Cover Picture: Some guys cheering on a whale that appears to have just jumped INTO the ocean, perhaps from the top of that lighthouse in the background. Yeah, Go Whale!!

What it Must Be About: Its whale vs whale. Two whales enter, one whale leaves. Rock 'em, Sock 'em whales. This is the cockfight of the sea, and these guys are the highest bidders. PETA must be pissed the hell off about this whale-on-whale brawling. Sudden Death could possibly involve making the whale face-off with a bear in a scuba suit. Actually, on second thought, I'd totally watch this.

Title: EXTREME SURVIVAL PACK!!!!1

Cover Picture: A man appears to be in water that is very cold, and there is also rain and lightning. A poor choice for a vacation destination.

What it Must Be About: So pack...like wolves? ICE WATER-WOLVES versus this guy. Some random dude is pulled out of a Wendy's in middle America, thrown into the arctic sea, and is forced to fight a pack of ice water-wolves. Can he survive? Probably not. But if he does, the producers of the show will award him a 5.00 certificate to the aforementioned Wendy's.

Title: Kourtney & Khloe take Miami

Cover Picture: Two of the three original cast members of To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (sorry, Wesley Snipes) on a boat, with a baby. They appear to be floating above a city somewhere.

What it Must Be About: First of all, on the cover, there's an accent (no idea what the hell this is actually called) over the e, which makes it sound like 'Clo-Ehh.' I hate her already. Now that they've stolen this baby and brought it aboard their flying boat-ship, they're ready to destroy the city and take it as their own. The city of Miami will burn. As these demonesses cackle and celebrate their victory, one man will rise from the rubble...

Till next time!

My musical chronology!

Greetings, nostalgic people!

To begin a series of music-themed posts, I'd like to start with a little bit of personal humiliation. Why, you might ask?

A) This is the internet, the world of humiliation
B) I'm hoping that everyone will immediately forget the random disappearance for a month
C) Music is the language of the soul, or some bullshit
D) All of the above

(Yes, you may use a calculator)

Additionally, Felix and I are somewhat mysterious, and this will offer at least some insight. One of the most important aspects of being a (total fucking) geek is an unhealthy dose of nostalgia and obsession; mix that with some introspection, and you have what lies waiting under the cut. Besides, I think its healthy to look back on your younger years. And weep.

Man-flavored Eye Candy

So, as we get further and further into autumn, I am reminded how nice it is to have someone to snuggle up with on cold nights. Since I lack that most of the time now and will lack it 100% of the time coming up here real quick, I turn to you: the internet.

[Studio audience: Jesus Crispies, are all of your posts going to be this depressing after your main squeeze leaves?!?!?]

Yes. As a matter of fact, in an episode of weird single behavior, my new roommate and I skipped down to our local Dairy Queen (A block away. Bad idea.) and bought an entire ice cream cake for ourselves...and ate 75% of it in four days. Half-off Tuesday Cakes will be the death of us both.

But anyway, I digress.

Without further ado, with a post shamelessly stolen from the well-meaning folks at Buzzfeed.com, some man-candy for you to look at in classic pin-up poses.








Sigh.

More at the source.

Until next time, behave yourselves! For god sakes....

The Crying Game[s]

Greetings, single people!

So we all have those times when someone rips your heart out of your chest, sticks a fork in it and declares it to be done. The classic response is to get a pint of Haagen Daaz [Oh, who am I kidding. Several gallons of Haagen Daaz.], curl up with "The Notebook" and complain to everyone that will listen for the following three months about how your life is over. But if you're like me, you have "comfort foods" that require a console and controller. [No, not power tools...put those away! Your buzz saw wont bring him back!....unless....]

Here are three of my favorite games to nurse you through a break-up with your snuggle-buddy...from the end of your epic fairy tale romance, to a nasty break-up with that fuckface, to your Mr Muffin moving far away for a [admittedly fantastic and certainly well-deserved] job promotion. Chin up, you. Somewhere, there's a princess in another castle....so to speak.

Click the jump to feel better about your lonely life!

Everybody loves a T-Shirt post!

Greetings, naked people!

So if you're like me, you have approximately 19,000 t-shirts, from various places and saluting various thing. [doesn't stop me from wearing the same one over and over, though!] Ah, the t-shirt...so simple, yet so sophisticated. So classic, yet so modern. [wash off that mustard stain, fool!] So, you can imagine my delight whenever I come across some cool-as-shit t-shirts and immediately order one of everything.

Out of Print designs is featuring some sweet-ass literary shirts; emblazoned with some classic book titles on vintage-looking threads, and quite frankly, most would need to do a double take to know the shirts were featuring book titles cause they also just look pretty cool on their own. ["whatchoo mean, 1984? that aint the year it be!"] AND they feature women's cuts, SQUEEEEEEE!

[some of my favorites]

GO BUY THEM ALL!

Greetings, sexy people!

Two things to look forward to this month, if you happen to be on the west coast. [Which, sadly, Felix is not. Come home!]

The first is a super amazing art show, taking place in LA beginning August 11th [today!!], the legendary iam8bit. [As you can imagine, we here at 8bit Runway are quite fond of the name.]


iam8bit is a company that wears a lot of different hats; they do promotions as well as providing consulting services and the like. [also, iam8bit has been affiliated with Bethesda Softworks, so I'm already working on my marriage proposal.] They've been doing this show on a yearly basis, to celebrate old-school video game nostalgia; here's a blurb [is that a word?] from their website:

Over 100 artists will reimagine their 80's gaming fantasies, delusions and secret desires via all sorts of media - painting, sculpture, plush, and even some more interactive experimentation. Highlights include:

*A special tribute to Galaga's 30th anniversary featuring the world's largest "arcade cabinet"
* The transformation of the entire gallery into an 80's gaming wonderland by designer decal collective BLIK
*An interactive, "retro-fied" Kinect hack from Double Fine super-artist Drew Skillman
*And much, much more!

Unfortunately, LA is a bit of a commute for Little Portland Lulu, but if someone is down to let me borrow their jetpack, you can bet your sweet Goombas I'll be there.

The other mega awesome thing that is actually happening IN Portland [so you know I'm not talking about PAX and that I actually get to go] is coming up on August 24th at Lola's Room; The Protomen are coming to town! The Protomen are a little hard to explain; they're sort of like a Megaman tribute band, but they're also sort of a rock opera, sort of Les Miserables for nerds, sort of the best fucking thing that has ever existed. Their act is based on the first six Megaman games on the NES released by Capcom. While Megaman has an existing storyline going across the manga, cartoon and [duh] video games, the band looks at it as more of a "jumping off point" [says the Wikipedia article], and has created a dystopian epic. Also, Dr Light's singing voice, jesus christ. IS THAT YOU, JEAN VALJEAN?

I'll see you there! Their songs are available on Amazon, and also through their website for smooth groovin'. I highly recommend checking out the lyrics either first or while you listen through, as it makes it a little easier to follow the storyline, and often includes stage direction/plot points, which is especially nice if you're a little fuzzy on your MegaHistory.



Click the jump for the lyrics/narration to go along with "The Hounds," courtesy of Lyrics.Wikia.com:

A Special Bonus That Is Not Special

Greetings, special people!

Just wanted to share our most recent 8-bit discussion with you all.

(Setting: a dark and stormy night, obviously. We see one of our heroines, playing Fallout 3 for many an hour, when suddenly, an idea strikes)

Lulu: Will you call me The Ant-Agonizer from now on? This is the best nickname ever.

Felix: No.

Lulu: Are you saying no because I keep posting stuff about vaginas?

Felix: Yes. :-)

Sigh. I never get what I want.


FELIX EDIT:


Lulu: "My character in fallout is too pale, it looks like one of those monster ghost babies from the grudge is taking over the wastes."

then, later; "Hey, so I can connect my laptop to a television, is that a fact?"

Apparently, Lulu is my mom.