Greetings, long lost people.
I've been bedridden (mostly) for the past few days, so there hasn't been much to do other than watch movies, TV series, etc and contemplate how I could feasibly remove my own kidney. My Mister Honeybee has graciously offered me the use of his Netflix account, and I've been delighting in the BBC program 'The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret." But now, on day three of the long stretch of hell that is my right kidney, I've entered a dark place.
That's right, reality TV.
Now, as anyone else who was growing up in the nineties, I was aware of Reality TV at its inception, MTV's Real World and Road Rules (back when MTV had the occasional musical programming). I remember digging a couple of seasons, but it wasn't long until Reality TV just fucking EXPLODED. Big Brother and Survivor were basically just regurgitated versions of Road Rules and Real World, with higher stakes (in both cases, people being eliminated or kicked off of the show, ultimately leaving a winner), but then came American Idol, the Bachelor/Bachelorette, the various RichWhiteGirlProblems shows, so on and so forth and blargh. It's gotten out of control.
Admittedly, there are some Reality Shows that are kind of awesome. I love Gordon Ramsey and I'm going to make babies with him and we will ride a stallion off into the sunsethe is incredibly talented and interesting to watch. DO ME, GORDON. Also can you teach me how to make delicious things to eat without setting my kitchen on fire? I'm a big fan of The Colo
ny (which you should watch, if you haven't) and, without a bit of shame, I LOVE Rupaul's Drag Race, purely because drag queens are like, awesome, duh. Drag queens are the only reason that I know how to walk in heels.
But in perusing Netflix's selection of streaming reality TV, I don't even know what these shows are about. Since I'm far too lazy to give them a chance, I'm left with my own hypotheses and imagination.
Title: Sons of Guns
Cover Picture: Like five burly looking dudes, most angry and one suspiciously grinning about something, and the resident hot girl (clearly not anyone's son)
This Must Be About: When you call someone a 'son of a gun,' you're telling them that they're being a prick (or, in resident hot girl's case, a cunt-wad). So, these six assholes have made a show about being assholes. I assume they shoot people, further contributing to the assholery. Resident Hot Girl is probably banging at least one of these guys, but no one is ever as attractive as they look on the cover.
Title: BBQ Pitmaster
Cover Picture: Some d-bag is blowing fairy dust in my face! Is that a prison uniform?
What It Must Be About: This man was recently incarcerated for barbecuing pitbulls. He is also a wizard of some kind.
Title: Whale Wars
Cover Picture: Some guys cheering on a whale that appears to have just jumped INTO the ocean, perhaps from the top of that lighthouse in the background. Yeah, Go Whale!!
What it Must Be About: Its whale vs whale. Two whales enter, one whale leaves. Rock 'em, Sock 'em whales. This is the cockfight of the sea, and these guys are the highest bidders. PETA must be pissed the hell off about this whale-on-whale brawling. Sudden Death could possibly involve making the whale face-off with a bear in a scuba suit. Actually, on second thought, I'd totally watch this.
Title: EXTREME SURVIVAL PACK!!!!1
Cover Picture: A man appears to be in water that is very cold, and there is also rain and lightning. A poor choice for a vacation destination.
What it Must Be About: So pack...like wolves? ICE WATER-WOLVES versus this guy. Some random dude is pulled out of a Wendy's in middle America, thrown into the arctic sea, and is forced to fight a pack of ice water-wolves. Can he survive? Probably not. But if he does, the producers of the show will award him a 5.00 certificate to the aforementioned Wendy's.
Title: Kourtney & Khloe take Miami
Cover Picture: Two of the three original cast members of To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (sorry, Wesley Snipes) on a boat, with a baby. They appear to be floating above a city somewhere.
What it Must Be About: First of all, on the cover, there's an accent (no idea what the hell this is actually called) over the e, which makes it sound like 'Clo-Ehh.' I hate her already. Now that they've stolen this baby and brought it aboard their flying boat-ship, they're ready to destroy the city and take it as their own. The city of Miami will burn. As these demonesses cackle and celebrate their victory, one man will rise from the rubble...
Till next time!
Yea, this is accurate.
Rule 63 Jack is awesome.
The Oogie Boogie Man, however, even better.
Oh, hello there, Captain.
One of the most creative cosplays ever.
This is one of the worst things I have ever seen.
One of the best.
UMMMMM OKAY.
Find more of these at PopHangover
There are more of these. But look, hipsters. Cool.
While we're on the subject...
No, my macbook pro can not.
This has literally never been truer.
Yes, I took this screen shot. I think I found my dream job.
4Chan is hilarious.
I have literally never felt this old before.
Love, pure and simple
I refuse to explain myself.
Laugh, or GTFO!
Bad-guy One
Bad-guy Two
Good-guy One (Also I'm making this, don't you doubt it).
Yes, I did this. DEAL WITH IT.
You're welcome.
I don't know about you, but this is my hope for snowmen.
This is probably the best story ever. Even if it's false.
WE ALL KNOW THIS IS TRUE.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm... puregenius.
