What the hell, parents?

Greetings, somebody!

So one of the great pleasures in being what one might consider "nerdy," "unique," a "black sheep," whatever; is tracing these allegations and accusations back to their roots and blaming your social awkwardness on someone else. You made me this way, maternal and paternal units! And in investigating endeavors, I discovered a horrifying bit of anthropology.

Two things that I love dearly are a) history and b) 80s nostalgia (if you don't admit to loving at least one of these, you're lying to yourself and the rest of us, and deserve to be burninated at the stake), which is why you can imagine my delight and finding a decrepit cookbook, covered in stains and dust, older than I am, with recipes fitting for a show that we all remember: The Beverly Motherfucking Hillbillies. Let me also add that, disaster that I am, I'm a terrible cook, but this is strangely inspiring. ...Or maybe that inspirational feeling is just the vomit creeping up the back of my throat.

Click the jump for recipes for... well, for the resourceful, then hit me up and let me know if you're down to come over for dinner tonight.

SQUIRREL WITH RICE

1 1-in. square salt port
2 squirrels, cut up
2 qt water
1 c. rice
1/4 c. catsup
1/2 onion, sliced
salt and pepper, to taste

Dice salt pork; sautée in large saucepan until brown. Add squirrel pieces; brown lightly. Add 2 quarts of water; simmer until squirrels are tender, adding additional water if needed. Add rice, catsup, onion and seasonings. Cook over low heat, stirring frequently, until rice is tender.

BARBECUED BEAR
[I'm sorry, where the hell are you gonna get bear meat?!]

1 3-lb bear roast
Salt and pepper
1 clove of garlic, crushed
2 tbsp. brown sugar
1 tbsp. paprika
1 tsp. dry mustard
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/8 tsp cayenna pepper
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1/4 c. vinegar
1 c. tomato juice
1/4 c. catsup

Place roast in small roaster. Season to taste with salt and pepper; rub with garlic. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour or until well done. Cut into thin slices. Combine 1 teaspoon salt, brown sugar, seasonings, vinegar, tomato juice, capsup and 1/2 cup water in heavy skillet. Simmer for 15 minutes. Add meat, simmer for 1 hour or until roast is tender.OPOSSUM WITH SWEET POTATOES

1 opossum
Salt to taste
Pepper to taste
6 red peppers, chopped
4 large sweet potatoes

Skin and clean opossum, removing small sacs from small of back and under forelegs [Lulu note: OH GOD NO]. Place opossum in 4 cups water in saucepan; add salt, pepper and red peppers. Simmer until pan liquid is reduced by half. pare and slice sweet potatoes. Combine opossum with pan liquid and potatoes in baking pan. Bake at 30 degrees for about 1 hour or until opossum is tender, basting occasionally.

The book also features recipes for 'roast beaver', 'country-style groundhog,' and various moose recipes. Some of these sound kinda good, though the idea of removing small sacs from a opossum has unfortunately made it impossible for me to ingest anything ever again.

Ah, America.