Star Whatever.

STAR WARS, as told by Lulu.

So, its no secret anymore that I've never seen Star Wars. I know...I'm a huge movie nerd and that's one of those movies that EVERYONE has seen...but not me! Its not that I don't want to, it just has never happened, and now that I'm older I just never really felt the need to. But, like trying sushi, its something everyone should experience. And I feel like I'm missing out...I was pretty opposed to the idea for a while, because I'm a little apathetic.

There are three main reasons that I just don't give a shit about star wars.

1. I watch Family Guy. Therefore, I've seen their Star Wars episodes and have felt privy to Star Wars inside jokes and references and all that, as the entire cast of FG consists of "Warsies." (Like Trekkies, but from Endor.)
2. On that note, I know enough about Star Wars to get the inside jokes. Who doesn't? Its one of those things that just everybody knows. IN FACT, while we were recording Idiot Box (stay tuned), I referenced Star Wars like a pro. No one needs to know I've never seen it. I'm cool like that.
3. Lastly, and most importantly, there is already one "Star _____" in my life...TREK. Star FUCKING Trek. Captain Jean Luc Picard, and fuck you. Live long and prosper, bitches.

However, in the interest of experience, I'm gonna curl up and finally watch them, at the ripe old age of 24, and finally experience this phenomenon that is evidently some kind of a big deal or something.

So in my limited knowledge of Star Wars, here's the plot as I know it, before actually watching the thing.



A long-ass fucking time ago, in a galaxy somewhere, Baby Luke Skywalker lives on a planet made of sand with his aunt and uncle. Or, maybe just his aunt; in movies, you're lucky to have just the one parent. Some old creeper guy, Obi Wan Kimosabi tells him to do something with his life, and for some reason, all of Luke's relatives are killed....or at least the ones on the desert planet. Bummer! Obi lets Luke in on a little secret called "The Force", which is Telekinesis, monk-style. Luke then decides to go to space college and learn how to fly Millenium Falcons.

Backing up a little bit, the galaxy is presently overrun with this ruling party called The Imperials (for some reason, this just makes me think of a communist China), headed by Darth Vader, who is a major dickwad. I don't know why people hate him so much, other than his ability to strangle people from like, twenty feet away, but he's clearly the bad guy. There's this terrorist faction called The Rebels, and we'll get to that later.

At some point, Harrison Ford (who is in this movie?) meets up with C3PO and R2D2, or in laymans terms, the tin man and a dustbin. Deckard, I mean Harrison Ford, gets an e-mail from Princess Leia where she kinda falls all over herself and asks him to help her...something to the effect of "Wanna blow some shit up?" and the deal is sealed. Blade runner is in a jazz bar, where the band is seriously not that bad, and Admiral Ackbar might have something to do with said bar, or I might just be thinking of Zoidberg from Futurama. But Admiral Ackbar Leia was all beside herself because Chairman Vader blew up her home planet. Naboo, or Tatooine, or Denmark, or something.

Meanwhile, back at Space College, Luke is a pretty good pilot. Not too good to avoid crashing onto a swamp planet, though, where he meets Yoda, who sounds like Cookie Monster and looks like Abe Vigoda. Yoda is all, "Luke, what are you doing with your life..." Luke: "Space college!" Yoda: "HOWABOUT YOU USE THE FORCE." Luke: "Okay! I'm an impressionable teenager, I'm down to take a semester off!" They spend some time dicking around and throwing rocks with their minds. R2D2 and Tin Man ALSO crash onto the swamp planet, and suddenly Luke is one of the Rebels.

So now we have Luke, Leia, a couple of robots, Chewbacca (why is he there?), Tim Meadows (or someone who looks like him), Harrison Ford and...I think thats it. Luke winds up blowing up a death star filled with nasties, and the crowd rejoices.

TOO BAD, Indiana Jones get captured! By Somebody! For some reason, rather than just killing him and being done with it, they cryogenically freeze him? He winds up okay after a while. Leia is kidnapped by Jabba the Hut, a space slug, and is forced to wear what could be the most popular cosplay outfit ever. Luke...I dunno, maybe he goes back to space college for a while.

Someone rescues Leia, someone rescues Deckard, and the gang is reunited. They go to Endor, the planet of furbies, Luke and Leia make-out....and it turns out they're brother and sister! WHOOPS! I don't know if this is ever addressed, but...seriously, what?

OH ALSO Boba Fett is a character from Star Wars. He was played by a chicken in the Family Guy spoofs...but...I don't really know what he does or what his purpose in the plot was. I assume he dies off pretty quick and wasn't a major character, but Boba Fett is one of those names you hear bandied about. Had something to do with Vader, probably a good guy.

Luke winds up blowing up the Death Star again by flying a ship into it, and the crowd rejoices...but since they were in the middle of rebuilding it after the first time it went BOOM!, it was probably just full of decorators, contractors and hourly employees. So...actually let me rephrase that. Someone flies a plane into a building full of innocent people because they disagree with the government that owns said building.

I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Luke and Lord Vader get into a sword fight, Vader chops off his hand, and just before kicking the Vader Bucket, blurts out that he's Luke's father. Like, oh em gee. Vader falls and dies, and they're able to reattach Luke's hand so he can still be a concert pianist or whatever. Somehow, all of this leads into a happy ending. The end.

We'll see what happens when I see the real thing. :) Stay tuned!